


sorry shouldn't hurt this much

by yellows27th



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, late night drive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25261579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellows27th/pseuds/yellows27th
Summary: Time is running out for Tzuyu and she'd rather spend the last day with Chaeyoung before life eats them up.
Relationships: Chou Tzuyu/Son Chaeyoung
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	sorry shouldn't hurt this much

They first met when they were seven.

It was a Parent-Teacher meeting among their grade level that Chaeyoung somehow found her way out of her mom’s tight grip on her wrist. Being the hyperactive kid that she is at her age, she makes a run for the school playground where playing and having an outburst of energy is all that mattered and no more of the adult talk. Chaeyoung absolutely hates the adult talk. It makes her head throb. No one smiles and everyone is dead serious as if rainbows and butterflies don’t exist. In the playground however, it does exist.

Son Chaeyoung played and played with the kids around her age, running recklessly, shouting on top of her lungs for the kids to come catch her until she accidentally blows sand to a lanky and tall seven-year-old Chou Tzuyu, only to stare at her for a solid minute before crying that her eyes hurt from the sand that flew into her eyes. She _was_ weird in Chaeyoung’s perspective. Who reacts a minute late to sand flying into your eyes? Most importantly why is she so tall for someone their age? Tilting her head to the side, little Chaeyoung stares in bewilderment how a girl her age is two heads higher than her?

Tzuyu cried, bawled her eyes out but Chaeyoung had no intention of saying sorry. It was _an accident_ and she’s not the type of kid to do so. Not even when both of their parents had found them and Tzuyu was blindly pointing at the playground trying to tell her mother who was the culprit that got sand in her eyes.

Son Chaeyoung and Chou Tzuyu’s dynamic growing up is all about the reversed roles of David and Goliath. Even if she lacks the few inches from how embarrassingly obvious it is that Tzuyu is a tower next to Chaeyoung, she’s the tougher one. Still hyperactive, but Tzuyu can tolerate her better now unlike when they were ten, the time that Chaeyoung is most active like a puppy excited to run around the new world.

Chou Tzuyu is a verbal person, fluent and accurate with everything that will come out of her mouth. The rational one between the two of them whereas Chaeyoung is the consistent kid that does as she pleases, a free spirit as she claims herself which often gets her in trouble.

Trouble comes from Son Chaeyoung and her impulsive decisions in life and somehow the universe had strongly put Tzuyu in a position wherein they function as strong magnets - like the ones advertised by that one major department in college. Being stuck with Chaeyoung at first was peculiar enough for Tzuyu but what could she do when transferring schools is not as easy as taking a walk in a park and all she knew is that one small kid who threw sand into her eyes? Of course (though it’s not the best option out for her), she went and sat beside Chaeyoung.

Weirdly enough, they have stuck together even when Chaeyoung still has not apologized for making Tzuyu cry when they were seven. Add it to Tzuyu’s personal vendetta against Chaeyoung because later when they grow up and realize, holding a grudge is a special trait that Tzuyu is an expert at. And somewhere along the way, Tzuyu had called it upon herself to get Chaeyoung out of trouble with her childish hope (not that it’s serious) that Chaeyoung would apologize for that accident in the playground.

Now that they’re adults and about to graduate one day from now, Chaeyoung is still as impulsive and rash with her decisions, Tzuyu makes sure that her best friend won’t pull another absurd stunt and skip the ceremony for good. She can feel it, see it in Chaeyoung’s eyes, the moment they rolled out the schedule for ceremony practices. She’s caught up with the little flame that managed to spark itself within Chaeyoung.

/

It was a perfect afternoon. Month even, because Chou Tzuyu is graduating in a day from now and there’s nothing that could go wrong. Until her phone buzzed and Chaeyoung’s name was flashing clearly on the screen, Tzuyu had to think twice. Thrice even after the call was over.

“Chaeyoung again?” Jeongyeon asks seeing the familiar rush in Tzuyu’s actions, hurried and always almost like it’s an emergency whenever Chaeyoung rings up her phone. She wonders what “emergency” is it this time that Chaeyoung had come up with that’s got her tall friend frantically moving around.

She cringes and Jeongyeon thinks Tzuyu is stupid. Out of all people that she has to call stupid it just has to be _the_ Chou Tzuyu. Such great irony.

“Not that I’ve been counting, no one really needs to because this happens like, you know, _every_ week and that says a lot - at least to us.” Jeongyeon makes elaborate hand movements as she rambles to Tzuyu, trying to get her point across. 

She spares Jeongyeon a quick glance before scanning her surroundings if there’s any item she’s missed. “What are you trying to say?” 

Her brows come together at this point, an inaudible frowning looming around the air. “This thing with Chaeyoung - you know your time is up after graduation, why are you still holding yourself back?” 

Tzuyu zips up her bag and pauses. She finally says, “Does it even matter at this point? She and I will be on different paths and I’d rather keep her this way than nothing at all.”

Sometimes, specifically during this moment, Jeongyeon cannot come up with a plausible reason as to why someone like Chou Tzuyu - _the Chou Tzuyu_ that passed and got in Law school off of her naturally intelligent and rational brain, an achiever in many fields that neither could count the list of where, is _this_ frustratingly stupid when it comes to love. It is as though she’s enrolled in a class that she has no clue of and just went along with it.

Jeongyeon had been told many times, have heard a lot, and that maybe their other friends are right: people who are academically inclined are usually those who do the stupidest things that their books cannot have a solution for. There is no way that the world is going to come up with a handbook about love. No paragraph reading, no extensive or intensive studies. Love is plain and simple. It will either reward you or hurt you.

“Sometimes I don’t know if I’m talking to Law Student Chou Tzuyu or the all time sucker for love Chou Tzuyu. There’s no in between when it comes to you and it’s so ridiculous, do you know that?”

Tzuyu snickers and shrugs. “You’re not the first person to feel that way.”

/

When it comes to Chaeyoung and her calls, whether it be in the middle of the night where she’s dedicated to digesting all of her reading materials or when she’s just a blink away from sleeping soundly, Tzuyu can’t help but put them under urgent and first priority. So when her driver had informed her that her car is at the mechanic and it’ll take about an hour or two before she gets picked up, Tzuyu didn’t care if the Uber costs an unreasonable hundred as long as she gets to Chaeyoung’s house quickly.

The Son household is what Tzuyu remembers it to be. It’s clean, still the same white paint that Tzuyu swears is always brand new, and most importantly it feels like home no matter what the circumstances are. Even the maids recognize her from constantly being in Chaeyoung’s presence. Just how many calls did she take only to end up in Chaeyoung’s house? And just how right Jeongyeon is?

“Ah! Tzuyu!” Mrs. Son welcomes, arms wide open to which Tzuyu receives and reciprocates, warmly hugging the shorter woman much like her daughter.

They break apart and she sees the wrinkles on Mrs. Son’s face which tells Tzuyu that Chaeyoung has been up to no good. Still, she smiles and leads her inside the house striking up another conversation like she always does. A very vocal person unlike her daughter.

“What brings you here?”

Tzuyu fixes her bag strap hanging on her shoulder and then holding onto it. Briefly she takes a look around the house. “Chaeyoung called me and..”

Mrs. Son laughs and pats the soon-to-be graduating student on her shoulder, seeing where this conversation is going. “The usual? I hope Chaeyoung doesn’t bother you so much, always calling and whatnot. It’d be fair if she takes the first step sometimes, no?”

Tzuyu wants to say that it is in her good and earnest will to come either announced or unannounced to wherever Chaeyoung needs her to be. (Jeongyeon is totally right.)

“Oh right! I heard from Chaeyoung that you’re going to law school? Well aren’t you a smart one!”

She flashes her signature dimpled smile at the old lady. “Sweet fruit of all the endless readings and tearful nights, I guess? But thank you I didn’t know she brought it up to you.”

Mrs. Son shakes her head and says, “Very first agenda she ticked off the list the moment she got home. She even forgot to take her bag off and just continued rambling about graduation and you going to law school. Anyways I think I stalled some time, you better go. Chaeyoung is in her room.”

Tzuyu nods and excuses herself to Chaeyoung’s room.

With each step she takes is a step closer to the familiar door that has an unmistakably engraved name of Chaeyoung, and there Tzuyu finds herself pathetic. The last time she was in front of Chaeyoung’s door, about to knock and let herself in, was a week ago. It hasn’t been that long and it’s catching up to her just how much she’s willing to give up for this girl.

She turns the knob and enters to see Son Chaeyoung messily sprawled out on her bed, socks of different designs and paper sketches along with the many pairs of sneakers lying on the floor and something about it tells Tzuyu that this is not an emergency call from Son Chaeyoung. (Most of her calls are not, Tzuyu just likes to justify herself.)

Chaeyoung catches her friend rolling her eyes out of frustration and disbelief. She pouts and says, “Are you upset?”

The sigh that comes out from Tzuyu is more than enough to express her thoughts, much so when her hands come up at her hips and strictly takes in the mess in front of her silently commanding Chaeyoung to clean up.

“Look, this _is_ an emergency!”

Tzuyu raises her brow in question. “What is? Choosing what pair of socks and sneakers would go well together?”

It adds more to Tzuyu’s disbelief when Chaeyoung lights up and beams at her while holding up what seems to be the socks that Tzuyu had given her for her birthday last year, ignoring her sentiment over the matter.

“Pick one Tzuyu! This or this?” Chaeyoung focuses on the socks she’s holding, weighing them and comparing them side by side like the art world depended on it.

Just from watching all of this unfold before her drains Tzuyu out of her remaining energy that she could spare. Dropping her bag at the foot of Chaeyoung’s bed, she flops down on the mattress and concludes that she can deal with this problem a little later when she’s regained her strength back. Dealing with Son Chaeyoung throughout the years does not mean having the same energy for it every time, Tzuyu can only tolerate so much of Chaeyoung’s bullshit.

“Oh come on Chewy! This is important since we’ll be on a road trip tonight, you and me!”

Nothing’s changed, this Tzuyu knows a little too well and this confirms her suspicion of the small flame that had sparked its way in Chaeyoung. For Son Chaeyoung to come up with this ridiculous idea that almost sounds like a felony since their graduation rites is just two sleeps away, they can’t possibly go on a road trip and still be intact when they come back, which in a sense means that they are physically and mentality ready for it. Still, it doesn’t make sense no matter how Tzuyu tries to digest the idea.

Unless…

“Are you skipping graduation?”

Chaeyoung groans - caught red handed as if she’s expected that Tzuyu will let her off this one last time. She hates talking about it.

“Why not? It’s just some unnecessary program that’s all fake smiles and handshakes at the stage with the admins and their crusty wrinkles. But what I can tell you is that this road trip is more _special_ than the graduation ceremony.”

Though Tzuyu has to agree with the argument presented, this does not give Chaeyoung the excuse to upset her family. And Tzuyu is supposedly the good influence on her daughter that Mrs. Son claims her to be.

“I don’t see any reason why we, especially you, should be on a risky road trip before graduation.”

“You don’t need to think it through,” Chaeyoung starts. “Feel it, do it. Experience is the best and no thundering applause can ever make up for it. Think of it as a getaway from adulthood, the before phase before entering hell and being stuck in it.”

But there’s this miniscule part of her that whispers (in the form of Jeongyeon’s voice): time is up after graduation.

This is going to be the last ride with Chaeyoung and no matter what lie she can come up with to convince herself that everything is going to be alright at the end, reality is going to take it away from her.

Chaeyoung bites her lip to hold back an unpleasant whine. She lays beside Tzuyu and they both stare at the white ceiling. “Besides, don’t you want to spend it with me? After this you’re going to be with your law friends and I’m just whatever and wherever.”

“You’re not whatever and wherever, Chae.” Tzuyu iterates, a frown sketching it’s way on her face. “You have an internship at a big company and if you happen not to feel it, you have your family business to turn into. Maybe do your thing - your art at the side when things go right and are at the right moment.”

To have said it herself punches Tzuyu back again to the reality that she and Chaeyoung keeping up with each other would be little to impossible now that after graduation is nothing but the busy life of an adult. It gives her no assurance that they would be able to keep track with each other because as far as she knows (and all the movies she’s seen) even a friendship this long can disappear and die just like that - no explanations and that only time will tell.

Road trips are not as common as them eating take outs in front of Tzuyu’s lawn - that one time the security had once mistaken them as beggars. It was a fun memory. Really, it didn’t cost him anything because they both found it funny but he still apologized, again and again until Tzuyu had jokingly threatened to fire him if he won’t stop. Men are funny but only to a certain extent. But that’s not the point.

This road trip could be _it_ for Tzuyu.

“So what do you say?” Chaeyoung props herself using her arm and stares down at Tzuyu with a smile that’s too fervent reaching the ends of her ears.

/

“You said yes!?”

Tzuyu bites her lip, knowing the trouble she’s gotten herself into. My god, so much for being Mrs. Son’s “pride in influencing her daughter all the good in the world”. For one, Chaeyoung _is_ good. She’s good in nature but to say that she’s not a handful is a blatant lie that not even Tzuyu can deny.

“Well what the hell are you going to do now?”

“I don’t know unnie,” the soon-to-be law student admits. “I’m packing a bag right now and I approximately have an hour beforel Chaeyoung comes and picks me up and then we’ll be hitting the road.”

If Jeongyeon could just come out of Tzuyu’s phone right she would and when she does she’s going to give Tzuyu a nice slap to the cheek for a reality check. They have a graduation ceremony and this tall girl is telling her that they’re going to be away? Chou Tzuyu might as well rip her diploma to pieces if she’s doing this with her mind actually intact and fully functioning as right now.

 _She might as well tell Chaeyoung she loves her._ They are both equally frustrating.

“You’re stupid, you know that?”

Tzuyu is now slumping against her bed wondering if this is the world’s way of telling her that she’s nothing but a scared good for nothing gay that’s helplessly in love with her best friend for years now. Jesus just how long has she been in it?

She sinks deeper to the side. “Chaeyoung is worse than me, unfortunately.”

Jeongyeon could painfully attest to that. Tzuyu’s been the most obvious in dropping hints everywhere that she likes Chaeyoung and she can’t believe that Son Chaeyoung, whose thesis won an award, can’t analyze the biggest drop of information right in front of her face. Jeongyeon is not against them but the way how they’re the polar opposites, she’s doubting that there will be a semblance of them in a relationship. Opposites don’t always attractive. Sometimes, they just collide.

How can they both be so ridiculously smart yet so emotionally conflicting?

How can Son Chaeyoung be so oblivious?

Prime example is back when they were on a break and their group of friends had set a movie date and a quick swing at a bar after (or during if they got bored of the movie). Jeongyeon had been an instigator of said movie date and bar hopping, that one friend that does all the dragging of other people around. So when she invited Tzuyu and Chaeyoung that time, Tzuyu had been very strict and firm with her decision that she and Chaeyoung would go separately from the group. She knew, their friends knew, only Chaeyoung didn’t. On a regular and casual day, she never does.

Exhibit B is that every person that takes a liking to Son Chaeyoung has to go through Chou Tzuyu’s critique and observation and that it should already be a giveaway when Tzuyu had downright passed them all as rejects to be Chaeyoung’s partner. But Chaeyoung had simply brushed it off, thought of it as an opinion from a longtime friend, and boy did that send a swift jab to Tzuyu.

And out of all the countless exhibits that Jeongyeon could elaborately describe, this one would be the worst of them all. For Tzuyu to risk Graduation day, when the girl is all about upholding formalities and proper etiquette, Jeongyeon would have to rip every hair out of Chaeyoung if she still doesn’t receive the goddamn clearest signal.

“If you’re willing to go through this much then go tell her. You only have Chaeyoung to lose.”

Tzuyu can and would possibly risk it but it has limitations, something that needs to go further more experimentation before she can fully commit to it. She can’t just put her heart out there when she has to be emotionally and mentality ready for her graduation (Tzuyu also likes to call it Dooms Day for adults).

_Time is running out._

Tzuyu knows that after tossing their graduation hats midair and the lavish pictorial with their diplomas and certificates there won’t be any assurance with her connection with Chaeyoung.

It rings and irritates her ears. She hears Chaeyoung loud and clear against her ear. _“After this you’ll be with your law friends.”_

Telling Chaeyoung or not is the same, it does not guarantee Tzuyu the friendship they’ve promised until death. Not even her grudge can hold them together.

“Being an adult sucks ass.”

Jeongyeon giggles and finally Tzuyu gets it. “I know so do it now.”

“You’re accountable if I come back with a broken heart!”

“And if you don’t? All is well, Tzuyu. All is well. But if I don’t catch your ass inside your house an hour or two before graduation, I’m making sure you won’t see your diploma ever!”

_/_

Moments later a polished black Wrangler honks in front of the Chou household, one that shines even in its darkest shade much like its owner. At least in Tzuyu’s eyes.

With her duffle bag hanging on her shoulder and Chaeyoung opening the door for her (she tries to keep her heart down every time she does so), Tzuyu climbs onto the passenger seat of Son Chaeyoung’s black jeep. It smells of English Pear – the expensive one.

_(Jo Malone. English Pear and Freesia.)_

Literally Chaeyoung’s scent ever since she’s entered high school always telling her that it’s a step up from the casual cologne fragrance that she wears on a daily basis. Tzuyu remembers how the scent would always linger and dance around her nose even if the owner is not around, even after the day has passed. She knows Chaeyoung a little too well.

Buckling her seat, Tzuyu shifts around her seat to find a position she’s going to be comfortable in and ultimately decides to lean against the window side after plugging in her phone through the AUX.

“Been here before?” Chaeyoung jokes, loves to see Tzuyu so accustomed to everything that relates to her. Even her mom adores Tzuyu.

A dimple appears along a smile Tzuyu can’t suppress. “Unfortunately. I’m a patreon, you?”

Tzuyu is more than nervous and excited all together. She’s assured her parents they’ll be back before graduation and that no matter what they’ll see their daughter (and hopefully Chaeyoung) walk on stage to receive their diploma and certificates, have their pictures taken and then it’s goodbye college. Though she’s promised them half-heartedly, it is worth a try.

“For someone who’s going to be in a car the whole time, you sure did doll yourself up.” Chaeyoung observes. “I like it. You’re pretty.”

Tzuyu gets playful. She winks at Chaeyoung and says, “I know, you always tell me that.”

“Yeah, I do.”

The polished Wrangler finally pulls out of the driveway and then they’re off to wherever Chaeyoung will be steering the wheel to. There’s no definite plan as long as they’re far away from the city and from the university because it’s going to ruin all of Chaeyoung’s enthusiasm in this joyride. Being caged in an academic institution for years did Chaeyoung some good in the brain but never in the fun department. So she tries to get on any getaways before college eats her up completely.

But now that they’re graduating, Chaeyoung would like to test the waters to what extent she can have fun with Tzuyu beside her. If anything, Tzuyu is the grounded one between them. If things get complicated and it hopefully does not involve police sirens at the distance, Chaeyoung makes sure that it won’t trouble her best friend _that_ much. She at least understands and respects her decision to take on this ride with her.

Their drive officially starts as Queen starts to play.

Music is for everyone, Chaeyoung strongly believes. Tzuyu had revealed to her a playlist composed of varying genres that in no way are related or similar to another and back then it took her by surprise. Tzuyu _didn’t_ look like the type of person to listen to punk rock. Fall Out Boy, those kinds. Tzuyu looked like she would listen to every single album of Taylor Swift and her favorite would be the Red album.

Props to Chaeyoung because Tzuyu does love that album.

“Your music is everywhere, do you not sort things together and what sounds better?” Chaeyoung briefly mentions, nodding to the tune of the classic Love of My Life.

“Oh please like your room is any better? Seriously, you had me over just to pick out which sock and sneaker you’d wear?” She argues back.

Tzuyu sits with her legs crossed, peering at Chaeyoung as she smoothly maneuvers and speeds up on the road. She trusts Chaeyoung in driving them safely.

“I love both the strawberry patterned sock and the striped one! You know it’d take me a whole week to decide which one to bring. They’re my favorites after all.”

Tzuyu scoffs. As much as she appreciates that Chaeyoung loves the socks she’s gifted her, she isn’t her stylist in any way.

“And if I did tell you that we’re going on a trip over the phone, I won’t get you to come with me. Sheesh, you probably won’t move an inch.”

Chaeyoung has that effect on Tzuyu. She’d be able to get Tzuyu to agree as long as they’re breathing in the same room. As if there is an invisible pull to Chaeyoung that would magically make Tzuyu agree to whatever she suggests they do. (Or alternatively, Tzuyu is whipped and there’s little to none that she would not do for Chaeyoung.)

“I brought drinks by the way. There’s a cooler at the backseat and some snacks too if you want to munch on something. We’re going off road a little later.” she says coolly, pointing at the back before changing gears.

Tzuyu unbuckles her seatbelt, twisting her body to get a hold of the red cooler which catches Chaeyoung in surprise.

“Chewy! Jesus you’re gonna get yourself killed!” Chaeyoung warns instinctively wrapping an arm around Tzuyu’s waist to prevent her from toppling down with the vehicle still in motion. After the struggle of pulling out two cans of cola, one for each, she pulls her back and Tzuyu pretends the touch does nothing to her.

“You okay?” Chaeyoung checks on her, alternating from watching the road and side glancing at Tzuyu. “I don’t want you dying on me, alright?”

Tzuyu recollects all of the time she’s spent with Chaeyoung. There are a few moments that she says the exact same thing, or generally telling her that she has to be by her side. And aside from being good at holding personal grudges, Tzuyu is also an expert memorizing the smallest details and occurrences. 

“I see you also have alcoholic beverages back there,” Tzuyu notes before pushing her can open and gulping one thirds of the content. “Did you really prepare all of this today?”

“Two days ago, I think? Not sure but you know me. If I can, then I will and here we are.”

 _Yeah,_ and here they are. Together. In what Tzuyu supposes to be their last ride before adulthood eats them up like the rest of the world.

It simmers down from there. Chaeyoung focuses on the road, silently watching Tzuyu from time to time at every red stop. And each time she does, Tzuyu glows in a particular way that Chaeyoung has seen before. She doesn’t comment on it out loud.

Tzuyu focuses on how to get her emotions unscathed because being alone with Chaeyoung, and her most intimate playlist now playing (compared to the first one that consisted of random songs from jumping genres), does things to her brain. Even the slightest move from Chaeyoung is a stimulant for Tzuyu’s brain.

The more she drowns herself in silence, the more it gets to Tzuyu just how near she is to losing Chaeyoung. Law school was.. not exactly part of Tzuyu’s future plans. She took the exam for fun and experience and never expected an email that says she got accepted. But it happened and now she’s conflicted.

If Law school did not happen, Tzuyu could’ve (maybe) saved herself from the impending doom of losing her best friend. She’d be going to the same internship offer as Chaeyoung but all of it is now thrown to the trash.

“Hey, you’re too serious there. You might wanna share that, I promise you no judgment.”

Tzuyu turns her head to the driver. Whether it was because of the self-imposed mood Tzuyu had set or the way the clouds are making way for the moon to shine brightly tonight, if it was possible, Chaeyoung looks even more like the person that Tzuyu promises to love.

Frankly speaking, Chaeyoung had no endearing qualities before and not until they’ve reached sophomore year. Sophomore year was Chaeyoung’s awakening to everything, her preferences not only in clothing but to people that she often shows interest in. Chaeyoung glowed (and she still does even up to now) in sophomore year whereas for Tzuyu it was the year that epiphany had finally dwelled on her - that Chaeyoung is attractive and it made sense why she was attracted to her. 

Sophomore year in high school is Tzuyu’s turning point. Tzuyu is not sure if it was because of the long list of people that got her pumping jealous that amplified her budding feelings for Chaeyoung in high school, but it has to be one of the many reasons why she was able to come to terms that she is in love with her best friend.

It’s the simplest recipe for love. And it so happens that being best friends limited Tzuyu from achieving a romantic relationship with Chaeyoung.

She _is_ afraid.

When you love someone so much, no matter how heavy the feeling is in your chest or all the times you could’ve confessed and have it over with, Tzuyu never does because she is afraid to lose Chaeyoung. That staying as what they are right now is enough to keep her.

“We’re graduating already, can you believe it?” Tzuyu asks basking in the memories she and Chaeyoung had shared throughout the years of their friendship.

Chaeyoung fondly smiles, probably having the same sentiment as Tzuyu.

“Remember that time a dude teased me for my height?”

Tzuyu smiles wider than Chaeyoug, relishing in the sad yet funny memory. “How can I forget?”

“I know,” Chaeyoung grins. “When you came and stood beside him, you literally towered over him and it was so hilarious to see him shrink on the spot! I can’t believe I cried because of my height.”

“It’s perfect, your height.”

Laughter erupts from Tzuyu, unable to hold back at the sudden shift of Chaeyoung’s expression. She frowns.

“Stop that! I know I’m small. Jeez, I still have to pull you down just to rest on your shoulder. Why are you such a giant?”

“Is it my fault you’re adorably short?”

Chaeyoung makes a face but later accepts the statement. “Yeah whatever. At least I’m adorable.”

“Exactly, it compensates the lack in the height department so it’s still a win-win for you.”

A shake comes from Chaeyoung, then she starts giggling. “Yah, you better watch what you say or I’m leaving you on the road!”

Tzuyu rolls her eyes, snickering. “As if you can. The possibility of that happening ranges from I like Tzuyu to I love Tzuyu. So in conclusion, you won’t.”

“Yeah,” Chaeyoung agrees, nodding her head. “I do love you. I guess you’re stuck with me this whole time.”

“I did agree to that, didn’t I? Do we really not have a destination, Chaeyoung? What if we get lost? Or we ran out of fuel and there’s no nearby gas station? Have you thought about that?”

“If any of those ever happen then at least you’re with me,” she says cheekily, being the receiving end of Tzuyu’s shoulder slap.

In a way that does sound good, being with Chaeyoung, but Tzuyu has a promise to keep and that is to bring both of their bodies wearing the graduation gown to university.

And although it’s good for her ears to hear that Chaeyoung does love her, it still breaks a part of her heart that hopes for something more.

/

In the meantime that Chaeyoung is left alone inside the car and Tzuyu is sleeping, the car steers far away from the city, away from the blinding lights and towering scapes that traps Chaeyoung. She speeds away from the main road and drives through the coarse dirt uphill, carefully maneuvering around the dimmed surroundings that only the moon can illuminate with the aid of her front lights

They arrive at the site. There are people around, a couple of cars and tents sitting atop solid ground beside enormous trees. Chaeyoung turns the engine off, observes the rise and fall of Tzuyu’s chest before climbing out and softly shutting the door.

A mellow tune welcomes Chaeyoung, the sound resonating from the small radio perched on the front porch of the shack. A camp site not too shabby, cozy, and perfect for Chaeyoung to get their rest for the night and later hit the road.

“Hey,” She approaches the young lady sitting at the shack. From what Chaeyoung can remember, this camp site is run by an old man and not a seemingly snob teenager.

“What?”

Chaeyoung slightly flinches at her tone. “Do you have an extra tent and sleeping bags?”

“45 until noon but if you’re feeling cheap I’ll give it to you 40 but only until morning.” She says as if this is the last thing that she wants to do - manage a campsite and deal with college runaways like Chaeyoung.

She takes it nonetheless and Chaeyoung is off to the free spot next to her Wrangler. It’s quite a hefty and tedious task to set up the tent, shooting beams and thin metal bars to locks and then hammering it down to the ground. But Chaeyoung likes this, would prefer this any time of the day, weather, and whatnot than attending a crappy and formal event. She has to be out there.

It takes her some time before their tent is proud and up just like the rest. Her back is aching and thankfully Tzuyu is awake at the same time she’s finished setting it up.

She approaches Chaeyoung, jutting her lip out. “You should’ve woken me up! Now I feel bad letting you do all the work here,” the taller girl pouts, kind of sulking.

Chaeyoung dusts her clothes off and shrugs. “How about you buy us some sausages and hotdogs from that grumpy girl at the shack? I would love to see the two of you get in an argument.”

“Is she cute?”

Chaeyoung flips her hand back and forth and says, “So-so, not really your type. I’m cuter if that’s the standard that you’re looking for.”

“The audacity,” She exhales (because, yeah, Chaeyoung is totally cuter even if she hasn’t seen the shack girl yet). “Do they have stools too?”

“Stools? What for?”

“You see that campfire by the river,” She points at said campfire and the lone occupant sitting beside it at a safe distance. “I think we can pull off a coming of age movie scene there and it’s totally your style!”

Chaeyoung smiles yet she is confused. “My style? What? Being a dramatic teenager?”

She raises her arms up and chimes, “Hey, your words not mine.”

One last laugh and Tzuyu is on the trail to the shack, light on her steps, she looks around and finds the small open kitchen at the back. There are a few patrons dining and drinking and never has Tzuyu felt this way - as if she’s a character of a coming of age movie.

“Uh, can I have 5 sausages and 2 hotdogs?”

The grumpy girl turns and Tzuyu finally understands what Chaeyoung had meant. Totally not her type. Totally not Son Chaeyoung, not a slight semblance in sight.

“Isn’t that a little too much for you?” Hearing her tone, she knows that the girl is not asking but rather stating.

“No, actually it’s not enough but I’ll come back if we’re still not satisfied. I’m here with someone.”

“You’re with your girlfriend? The small one?” She declares as if she’s known the two of them.

Tzuyu makes a face, confused and says, “Excuse me?”

She shrugs and takes out the frozen sausages and hotdogs and fires the grill up. It sizzles and Tzuyu feels hot all of a sudden.

“She comes here quarterly, at least when I’m managing the area and not my dad, and usually she’s alone when she comes here. I’m guessing she finally got the guts to confess to someone like you.”

_To someone like her?_

That sounds very promising for Tzuyu. An idea too good to be reality because Chaeyoung is far from confessing and liking Tzuyu in _that_ way. But she thanks the girl for the slight confidence booster, she guesses. 

She should be the one confessing. It is, after all, what Tzuyu supposes is the perfect time to bring it up. But not yet, not tonight. It’s soon and they haven’t had a proper meal.

“What makes you think I’m her girlfriend?”

Might as well hear other people’s opinion that’s not Jeongyeon and their other friends.

The turning and sizzling stops. She stares at Tzuyu as if she’s pulling a trick on her. “Wait, are you not?”

“Will it surprise you if I’m not because that’s kinda the thing around here.”

She forms an ‘o’ with her mouth, nodding her head and then whistling. “Am I talking to someone that’s dealing with a one-sided love or the strictly platonic best friend surveying people how they look together only to realize you like her at the end?”

Tzuyu makes a face, amazed by how much a stranger can strike her up and be much more vocal than she is - brazen. 

Tzuyu grimaces as she answers, “The first one, unfortunately.”

She laughs as if Tzuyu’s misfortune at love is the most delightful thing in the world.

“One-sided love before or after confession?”

Tzuyu sighs and sharply asks, “Why do you have so many questions? This is not the hot seat as far as I’m concerned.”

“The grill is hot so you might as well consider it that way. So, which one are you?”

And as far as Tzuyu is concerned, her only agenda is to buy sausages and hotdogs for Chaeyoung and her to eat. Why is this girl so nosy anyway?

“Before confession. Now how long is it until the sausages and hotdogs are done?”

“Oh, you’re the hopeless and miserable type then. Why don’t you confess before declaring it a one-sided love? At least if you do you’ll die knowing what she truly feels about you. You know what they say: curiosity kills.”

“Not if I’m not curious.”

The girl tsks at Tzuyu.

“Ignorance is not bliss, Miss.”

The girl serves the food on a metal tray, a separate plate for the hotdogs and sausages. Tzuyu wants this over quickly so she snatches it away and quips, “I’m here for hotdogs and sausages, not for a counselling session about my love life thank you very much. Have a nice night, miss.”

Chaeyoung takes the tray from Tzuyu, worried why her brows are tightly knitted together and a frown is on her lips.

She sets the tray down and then asks, “Something happened back there? I didn’t mean it when I told you to get in a fight with that grumpy girl I swear-”

“She’s _nosy,_ Chaeyoung. Not grumpy, snob, but a nosy one. Props to her because she does make sense.” She snaps and Chaeyoung is not sure what to say at this point so she opts for escaping the current scene.

“And I’m getting the stools before you actually get in a fist fight with her.”

Chaeyoung returns with two foldable chairs instead and sets it up at a safe distance from the fire. Now it really feels like a coming of age movie, a campfire, them sitting beside each other, a tray of sausages and hotdogs and a mini cooler filled with beer and sodas at their side. They might as well spill secrets never been shared before.

“You’re drinking?” Tzuyu asks as Chaeyoung pulls out a can of ice cold beer from the cooler.

Chaeyoung nods before she pops the can open and gulps down the liquid. Drinking is fun, feeling light and just the right buzz that rings through the head. They are not the type to drink beyond their capacity, not that Chaeyoung has experience because Tzuyu is always there to remind her. As much as Chaeyoung is a troublemaker and a free spirit, Tzuyu has always been there to bring her down whenever things go out of hand. They’re kind of like that - the type of relationship that they both settled in with.

To settle for that, Tzuyu starts to doubt herself.

“Tell me this isn’t worth it,” Chaeyoung prompts as she raises her can up in the air. “You’re totally right. This _is_ my style - the dramatic teenager kind.”

The flame burns just as bright as Chaeyoung, always the eager and relentless type of person to get things done by the only way she knows of. The smooth mix of orange and red tints both of them, silently sharing the static buzz of the night as if it feels that time is coming down to a stop for the both of them to just wind down and enjoy. But nights like this (not that Tzuyu has a lot of experience stashed in her collection) whether it was with Chaeyoung or not, under the night sky in its vast collection of stars, that Tzuyu envelops herself with all the time she’s done and wasted waiting for the perfect moment

Her eyes lock onto Chaeyoung and suddenly there is that awful gnawing at her chest again that constricts so painfully yet so hollow at the same time.

Tzuyu tells herself that she still has time.

/

They wake up late the next morning, finds that there are only a select few of the remaining campers with them. Tzuyu is unreactive to see the nosy girl giving her _the_ look as if she knows she’s going to chicken out sooner or later again.

The flame has died from the campfire and off they are from the site after rubbing the sleep away from their heavy-lidded eyes.

It’s a cloudy afternoon, not too warm that it stings the skin, perfect for Tzuyu and Chaeyoung to enjoy the breeze with the car’s window rolled down. A soft melody plays in between the silence to keep the comfort.

Tzuyu rests her chin on her arms folded on top of the window’s frame, eyes closed and just feeling. Jeongyeon had once told her that she thinks too much, even reasons that her brain comes up with the most unnecessary scenarios that are unlikely to happen, and ultimately tells her to feel. Live the moment.

Chaeyoung is a perfect example of someone who lives in the moment. She does as she pleases and even now that she takes the car off the road again for Tzuyu to open her eyes to a shallow river.

“Let’s take a bath, come on!” She tells Tzuyu before hopping down her Wrangler and jumping straight into the water creating a splash not too extravagant. Tzuyu follows her, a dimpled smile as she disregards her top entering the water. They are both girls after all.

She knows Chaeyoung is showing off how skilled of a swimmer she is, doing strokes of different kinds and then floating around her as if telling her to do the same. She can’t. She is not much of a swimmer and if it weren’t for her height she’d be afraid and running away from the depths of the water. Chaeyoung floats not too far away from her.

“Where are we headed next?” She questions as Chaeyoung bumps into her midriff.

Still, she floats.

“Not sure. We don’t have a plan, remember? We just drive and do the things that we want to do. So far we’ve been doing things I want up until now so how about you decide next? What do you want to do Tzuyu?”

“I’ll think about it,” she answers peering down at the floating Chaeyoung next to her, a small smile blossoming on her lips.

“You think too much,” Chaeyoung comments as she closes her eyes and feels everything through the water. “I know in your field it requires the brain but seriously, don’t stress it and just go with whatever. It’s not the best life advice but it works nonetheless, to a certain extent at least. What is it that you want?”

_Time is running out, Tzuyu._

“Nothing,” she says as if it doesn’t scare her after the clock ticks to end everything. “How does that sound to you?”

“Perfect.”

And so they spend the whole afternoon lazily lying dormant on the earth. Their wet clothes freely hang on the branches of a nearby tree and it’s almost laughable that Tzuyu is again wasting her time, using the excuse that they should wait for their clothes to dry.

The in betweens however is what makes up for the guilt and the lasting feeling of not seizing the day. She tells Chaeyoung about how Mrs. Son is so accustomed to seeing Tzuyu around the house and in return Chaeyoung would strongly agree and piped up with, “My mom even asks for you sometimes. She asks if you’re coming over or not, if I’ve become an eyesore because I keep calling you over.”

And somehow that makes Tzuyu feel validated and accepted. Also hopeful that maybe there _is_ a chance.

“Hey Tzuyu,” Chaeyoung turns on her side, an arm pressed against the ground as the side of her head rests on it. “Promise me you’ll contact me even when you’re with your law friends. It’s going to get really lonely now that we’re off to the real world, you know? I’ve always said I hate school and that it confines me from the things I want to do but looking at it now, I think I was able to do what I wanted because of it. I don’t have to be an adult because of school and mind all of that complicated stuff. I just have to be me and you just have to be you.”

“That’s selfish. You can’t stay as what you are right now forever,” She also turns to her side, meeting Chaeyoung and sharing a solemn smile. “You also have to promise me that nothing will change between us, Chaeyoung. Don’t promise me if you’re going to break it. After all, you haven’t said your apologies to me.”

She snickers and keeps a smile. “You’re good at holding grudges. You still remember that?”

“How can I not when you literally made me cry the first time we met. I’m still holding you accountable for that and maybe a few others that you’ve done.”

“Does that mean you’ll contact me from time to time? Maybe I shouldn’t apologize at all if that’s the case. You and I will stay as friends!”

Tzuyu laughs bitterly; not that Chaeyoung noticed the intention behind it. “We’re always friends, law school or not.”

“You sure?”

 _Oh,_ Tzuyu is more than sure.

“I don’t want to lose my best friend to some law school people while I’m stuck at this internship.”

“You’re so dramatic,” says Tzyu as she laughs fleetingly, as she matches the flutter of Chaeyoung’s lashes, and how they simmered down to a silence. “You’re not going to lose me.”

She says as if that if the tides are turned, as if the world would turn its back on her anytime now, that if Chaeyoung were to do anything - even if it breaks her heart, Tzuyu will stay. She is, afterall, her best friend.

And Tzuyu has this look in her eyes that Chaeyoung often finds whenever the situation is something alike right now. Though they are soft and mellow, even when the last streak of the sun shines on her hazel irises, Chaeyoung suspects how hollow they often are. She wonders if someone as verbal as Tzuyu keeps secrets - the kind that she holds to keep the other.

Chaeyoung often wonders why Tzuyu would come around knocking at her door despite calling her up at the most inconvenient of times, why she always lingers than disappears like most people do.

She does not know but Chaeyoung thinks it is time for her to ask.

“Are you not telling me something?”

Tzuyu blinks. Another one and suddenly the sun is setting faster and the clouds are disappearing into the empty night sky.

“Tzuyu you never tell me anything. I don’t even know if your favorite color is still teal or that changed through the years. That’s the basics but you get the point? After all the sleepovers and waking up together I never really know you. Not even when you took the test to that Law school and that you got accepted. I was surprised when Jeongyeon told me of it. You know me so well and all I know right now is that I’m going to lose my best friend.”

Chaeyoung sits. She picks up a pebble and throws it to the river creating ripples as it skips a few times before drowning. Somehow, a lump forms in her throat and her chest feels heavy.

She skips another pebble.

“I feel like I’m going to lose you and yet here I am claiming that there is no possible reason why I would. It feels like shit because why the hell am I feeling this way?”

Tzuyu pushes herself up from the ground and sits beside her. They look ahead and it’s not a sight to behold, just a dim river and nothing else but them and their shadows. It’s so open yet Tzuyu feels caged and afraid. She can’t even look at Chaeyoung right now.

“You think there’s no reason to lose me?” She whispers, little and unsure.

“ _Yes_ ,” Chaeyoung breathes. “I don’t know what it is but it’s ridiculous because I feel like you’re inching away from me and it’s not about you getting into law school, us graduating - nothing of that sort. Is there something I don’t know? I feel like I’m missing the last piece of a puzzle here when in fact it’s just lying around me.”

“I like you.” Again, it’s a whisper and Tzuyu’s only intention is for Chaeyoung not to hear it. Not now.

Chaeyoung looks conflicted, frowning as she tosses another pebble to the river. “I know. I’m your best friend but I don’t know-” 

“You don’t know Chaeyoung,” Tzuyu can only whisper but a little louder this time, holding on to the last bit of courage she could find. “You don’t know how I love you, how it took me years to finally say it to you because yeah, I feel it too - I’m losing you and I don’t know what I’m going to do to keep you around. I was thinking ever since you made me cry you would own up because you hurt me and to think that was the only excuse I have to keep you around.”

Chaeyoung chokes on nothing, clawing at the dirt beneath her and cursing the night. She blinks and Tzuyu dares to think how ironic it is for Chaeyoung to round up tears when it should be her tearing up, unable to contain what has been long overdue.

And she does when Chaeyoung utters, “ _I’m sorry_.” and her heart breaks because Tzuyu has nothing to hold onto at this point.

“I’m sorry,” she cries as she takes Tzuyu’s hand into hers, bringing it to her cheek only to taint it with warm tears. “I’m so sorry, Tzuyu.”

“ _It’s okay_.”

“It’s not.”

The first teardrop falls from Tzuyu.

“It’s okay,” she repeats, lying to herself. None of this is okay.

Tzuyu tries to hold back a sob but the way Chaeyoung is holding onto her hand, the tears that both of them are freely raining down their cheeks; it comes out louder and rather painful to the ears.

“It’s not okay to hurt you.”

She must be a masochist, Tzuyu thinks, as she forces a broken smile when Chaeyoung meets her in the eyes.

“It’s okay, you don’t feel the same.”

_It’s okay._

_It’s okay._

_It’s going to be okay._

But Tzuyu tells herself, in an attempt to patch up and cover her heart from reality; it’s okay to settle as friends if that’s what it takes to keep Chaeyoung. Even if it meant breaking all over again every time she looks at the face of the person she loves the most. That every time she does, she will remember this night that she’s lost her best friend, that she has no other excuse to be with Chaeyoung because if she does, it’s going to hurt.

“I can’t hold that against you- fuck who the hell am I to make you feel sorry for not loving me back?”

_It’s not okay._

Tzuyu gets up, an action that now seems too heavy for her to perform and difficult as she lets go of Chaeyoung.

_It’s not okay._

It’s not okay to cry in her best friend’s car, be ugly and sob over a heart that’s already been broken way before this. It’s not okay that each sob she lets out is louder and torturous than the last and it does not help that Chaeyoung climbs into the driver’s seat with bloodshot eyes, a clogged nose and a shaky breath as she grips the steering wheel - anything to let her get a grasp of the gravity between them.

It’s not okay to hear Tzuyu cry harder than she already had been doing and Chaeyoung can do nothing but to listen and acknowledge that they won’t pick up things the same way as before. She can’t even bring herself to look at Tzuyu, console her at the very least, but no. Chaeyoung is a coward, a selfish asshole that even her sorry causes pain to someone precious.

Chaeyoung starts the engine and it does a little to cover the sobs coming from Tzuyu. She takes a deep breath, blinks and then backs out of the area and into the open dirt road. The dashboard and the moon serves as their guiding light for tonight - the last night. And Tzuyu is right that this ride is the last.

Chaeyoung peeks at Tzuyu through the rear mirror, and she guesses that the shadows tainting her friend’s lone figure is a message from the universe telling her that sorry is not enough.

They hit the main road not long after. The city lights dawn upon them, flashing bright and then red and that’s when Chaeyoung stares at Tzuyu through the mirror. Tears taint her cheeks and a messy attempt of fixing her tangled hair. It’s a quiet ride. No Queen is playing nor a random punk rock band from Tzuyu’s playlist.

It’s a suffocating ride for Chaeyoung and boy does she feel guilty because if she feels this way then how much more for Tzuyu? When she has to stand her presence until she drives her back home? Chaeyoung feels stupid that she’s ruined this for Tzuyu when her best friend deserves nothing but love and happiness - yet she can’t be her happiness. It’s a sick feeling in her stomach that she can’t reciprocate this love.

And Tzuyu feels pathetic because she’s so dramatic over this - more than Chaeyoung who practically lives in a movie-like life where she’s the heroine that gets to have all the good things in life whereas she’s a living damsel-forever-in-distress waiting for a love that will never come. So pathetic that if she comes home a little later tonight and her mother catches her opening her bedroom door she won’t have any excuse to tell her why she still has tears running down her face.

It’s so quiet that it’s starting to hurt Tzuyu’s ears, when this car should feel familiar to her because she’s been here a lot of times already and quiet is never an option between them.

“We’re here.”

Indeed they are as Tzuyu blinks at their gate. But she doesn’t move, only looks straight ahead at an empty street and feels nothing inside but hollow and of broken pieces.

_Time has run out._

“Congratulations,” greets Chaeyoung as the dashboard shows exactly 12 AM, smiling even when the tears start to fall again. “You’re graduating today, Tzuyu. Will you keep your promise?”

“You’re so selfish,” mutters Tzuyu. She says it with no malice, already tired and drained from crying. She has nothing left. Jeongyeon is right. All she has to lose is Chaeyoung and she stupidly did.

“I guess I am. At least I said sorry, didn’t I?” She finally turns and takes Tzuyu in for a hug, wordlessly the crying girl gives in. She kisses her temple and whispers, “This is the last time I’m going to be selfish with you. I want you to make a choice, it doesn’t have to be today. I want you to be happy. You don’t have to commit to our promise before, just this one- I want you to promise me that if it hurts too much you have to do your best and forget me, okay?”

She doesn’t hold back her sobs anymore, her desperation comes out as she clings onto Chaeyoung tightly before this all ends.

“I’m sorry that I always make you swear to foolish things.” Her hand comes to brush Tzuyu’s hair, gently as she tries to soothe her down despite her own turmoil. “I’m sorry for saying things that confuse you, I guess your happiness won’t ever be because of me from now on. I really am sorry, Tzuyu. I didn’t mean to.”

And she tells herself again that it’s not Chaeyoung’s fault. She didn’t mean to, not ever. She didn’t mean to not fall in love with her - and Tzuyu knows it’s as foolish as it sounds.

Chaeyoung didn’t mean to break her heart like this.

Tzuyu just doesn’t know that this is how it’s going to end between them. She thought of bringing both Chaeyoung and her to the graduation ceremony wearing their gowns, smiling pleasantly at each other before posing with their diplomas and then eating out together with each other’s family because that’s how close they were. And it hurts Tzuyu when her parents ask her where Chaeyoung is and her only answer is a sad smile as if to say that she’s tried her best - she really did.

She did her best for Chaeyoung.

Chaeyoung doesn’t mean to hurt her. It is not her intention to say “I’m sorry” only to hurt Tzuyu in the process. It isn’t her intention to say “goodbye” disguised as “I’m sorry.” 

How come sorry hurts this much?


End file.
